"At first, all I believed in was my sickness and lack of faith. Soon, however, I was telling myself, 'I hope it's all true.' Then, I began acting as if it were, and faith in the program itself was established" (Sexaholics Anonymous: White Book, pg. 99, Kindle Version).
One of my (and this will be controversial to some) challenges in this life is my natural sexual attraction to other men that I have felt as long as I can remember. For a very long time this was something that I felt ashamed of and thought that something was wrong with me. I have since...still working on it actually... come to accept that these feelings are natural and that what I can control is what to do with those feelings.
When I disclosed (for the first time) my addiction to my wife, I made sure to include the fact that I experience same-gender attraction. We kept on living and working and I continued to struggle with the pornography and same-gender attraction, never really addressing it and how it continued to affect me.
I believe in the teachings of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, that the way back to my God is to do what He has told me to do, including not engaging in same-gender behaviors. For me that means no sex with other men.
Unfortunately for me, the shame of my sexual addiction, combined with the shame I felt about sexual attraction to other men, meant that for a very long time (a couple decades in fact), I spent time feeding not only the addiction but also feeding my same-gender attraction through the use of pornography (and my other character defects).
Deep down I felt feel afraid that my strong resolve that I feel today to not give in to my same-gender feelings will wax and wane in the future. However, as I have continued to study and work on my recovery, and have very hard conversations, I have come to understand that (and this may be obvious to most) I am in charge of my future. The choices I am making today will reflect the choices that I make tomorrow. If I decide that I want to give in to my urges of lust towards other men, it will be because I made that conscious choice and not because of some external force that is out of my control.
Here is where the devil comes into play: I believe that the real temptation is not whether or not to give in to my same-gender feelings, but rather that I've done enough work to improve my conscious contact with God, or that I can relax a little and become complacent in my recovery work.
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