Living Amends

 

The hardest part of recovery, I believe, has been to make amends. As I have learned so far, steps 1-3 are about recognizing and acknowledging that I have a problem that has become unmanageable and that I need help. Steps 4-10 are about making it right with those that were harmed by acting out. I believe that I have done plenty of acknowledging the harm I have done (to myself and others), and now I am working to right the wrongs I have done. I believe that the person I wronged the most (besides myself) is my spouse, and she told me recently that I continue to do damage.

During my readings, I came across the true story of a member of SA who had a lot of resentment towards a person in his town and how he reacted negatively to the way the other person behaved. This member relates that he realized he was wrong (regardless of the reasons for his outburst), and then he made amends with the person in the story. Then the book breaks in terms of the addiction, what was happening.

I recently experienced something similar with my wife that to me seemed to be exactly what the book is trying to teach me.

My wife asked me to move my things out of our bedroom into the basement bedroom of our home, then a couple of days later her parents were coming to visit and I didn't connect that I had sleeping in the bedroom that guests use when they come to visit. I had been working and my wife asked me to move my things back to our bedroom after leaving the office. I agreed that I would come home, basically, just to do something that I believed she should do herself because she was the one who asked me to move into the basement. So I arrived home, got the room ready for my in-laws, and left to go to my SA meeting. At face value this sounds pretty run-of-the-mill interaction, except that (and this follows the steps above):

1. The entire time (before, during, and after getting the room ready) I felt resentful of my wife and chose not to say anything. I had (in my head) very good reasons for choosing to stay quiet but...
2. I did not feel good. The anxiety in my chest kept growing and growing.
3. The only way that I could feel less worse was by keeping the resentment red hot
4. I distinctly told my wife that I had received a call from one of the nurses who needed help, so I told her that I was feeling stressed about the timeframe (I think I'm so clever...).
5. Eventually, after stewing about it for several hours, I eventually came clean to her about how I felt. The best way would have been to be open about it right away. I could have been free of the "tyranny of the memory" hours before, and better yet, been truthful to my wife and built up my marriage instead of chipping away at it with dishonesty.

Saying "I'm sorry" is not sufficient for addicts like myself. To make amends I have to demonstrate that I'm changed and can do things in a more positive way. I have to perform living amends. My life is my amend.